last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
