Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
