2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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