ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize