windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
