there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
