News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
