If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
