i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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