I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize