I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
