I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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