batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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