Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
