I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
