I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
