i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize