Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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