Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dignity is for republicans.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
