dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Randomize