So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
FUCK WHALES
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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