Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
