All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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