we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
