When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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