so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
