community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
