Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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