Non-Jews are for practice
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
