this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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