You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
