I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
