i need an iv and a liver transplant
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
