I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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