he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
