so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
