My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
