Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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