Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize