I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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