theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
