i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
