I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
