Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
