I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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