Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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