even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
