i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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