if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
