Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
