So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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