If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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