so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
