so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You don't make any sense
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