You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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