I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
