just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
