Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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