True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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