just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
